Friday 20 February 2009

Ode to Katie Price

Katie Price
Is not very nice
Her husband Peter
Is not much sweeter

On my boss's leaving card I wrote 'I won't miss the cleavage and the cat food.' She eats a species of tuna which smells like whiskas. Despite all pleas and threats of violence she has never desisted. She also wears the kind of dresses which one can only describe as ‘open plan’.
I have given her manager a list of quotable quotes which she has come out with over the last year or so, some of which are listed below:-

‘Are Catholics Christians then?’
‘Chinese? Are they communists?’
‘It must have been hard in the olden days without computers.’
‘Is cannabis not legal, then?’
‘We haven’t had any hunchbacks since Nostradamus, have we? Was he a real person, the one with the bells?’
‘Didn’t the French and English fight each other in the First World War? I know they played football at Christmas.’
‘I couldn’t eat an alligator. They look too much like reptiles.’
‘Adults don’t get hiccups.’
‘Grown men don’t get tonsillitis.’
‘You can’t attack the church. You’re unravelling two thousand years of rhetoric.’
‘Isn’t it true that pregnant women spit a lot?’
‘Help me! I’m on a woman on the edge!’
‘If people meditate, they open themselves up to get possessed. It’s true.’
‘I rely on e-mail and my e-mail has gone down! My life is officially over!’
‘Is it racist to call someone a Scottish idiot? I thought racism was just about skin colour.’