Friday 15 May 2009

A month has passed by as quick and unnoticed as a Peter Andre single release.
I have been busy not only working in the secret government bunker where I have been unaccountably promoted to a position where I now have the power to threaten individual teams with withdrawal of stationery privileges, but also on my epic painting ‘Brad Pitt Helped Jail My Evil Dad’ which is destined to become the 21st Century’s ‘Guernica’.
For those of you unaware of what Guernica may be, it is the facial disease from which Victoria Beckham suffered for many years, and the name of the tribute quilt which Tracy Emin stitched together from sections of anoraks stolen from tramps, and is thought by many to be the single most significant piece of artwork of the Twentieth Century.
The Ugly One and I have also spent an inordinate amount of time watching ‘The Wire’, the shamefully underrated series from the States.
Also... The Apprentice is back. Hoorah! Sir Sid James has fired half of the eejits already, so there’s not a lot I can say about them. This week the teams had to re-brand Margate (rather than re-branding Margaret, one of Sir Sid’s fearsome assistants, which would have been a challenge too far, I suspect) and one team decided to target the Gay market.
Their research seemed to consist of interviewing one pre-op transsexual that Mona found in a bar. ‘I did work on this project,’ she bleated later in the boardroom. ‘I even went out and spoke to a gay person!’ as if this was some kind of personal milestone, despite the fact that she has been living in a house with Howard for the last six weeks.
Sir Sid pointed his fat scary finger and Mona was fired, mainly because she didn’t think there were any gay people in Kent, let alone the house she was living in. She has now moved to Brighton so that she’ll never have to face gay people again.