Saturday 13 December 2008

rain stole all the sun
carrying it down to light
the gutters and drains

Robert of the Never-sleeping Tongue came round this evening to watch the X-Factor final with us. We’ve been trying to settle on a nickname for finalist Eoghan Quigg, whom I still think is a forty-year old midget in a Tina Turner wig, but never mind.
We’ve been calling him Ogwin or Noggin, or just Ginger Wigg, but finally settled on Orgwin the Gormless, due to his habit of gawping into the camera like a bassett hound waiting for a biscuit.
I prayed to Argos, the omnipotent God of Catalogue Shopping, that Orgwin would not get through. I have a feeling that Orgwin’s mentor, Simon Cowell, was doing exactly the same thing, as, for the second time in three weeks, while announcing his own act he said ‘Wow! Blimey! I’m still reeling from the astonishing performance by Alexandra! ... Oh, by the way, here’s Orgwin the Gormless!’ or words to that effect.
Our prayers were answered, albeit by a non-existent entity in an ironic post-modern sort of way, and Orgwin was sent back to the peat bogs. Hoorah!
Meanwhile, the Ugly One cooked us his famous duck breast in cinnamon cherry sauce with parsnip dauphinoise, followed by creme brulee while we waited for the result.
This year, the winner’s song was a cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’, although apparently it was a cover of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’, and although JLS made a good attempt, ‘It’s just the pretty one singing and the other three humming in the background again’ as Robert put it, Alexandra’s performance knocked all competition completely out of the water and is maybe the best version of that song (apart from Leonard’s) that I’ve heard.
Of course she won. There seemed little doubt that she would, until I read the released voting history for the final three contestants for the last twelve weeks. Apparently for the first seven or so weeks, Orgwin the Gormless was streets ahead of everyone else, which doesn’t bear thinking about. I actually wish he’d got into the final two now, as I’m very curious to know what he’d have made of singing ‘Hallelujah’, apart from a pig’s ear.