Saturday 2 August 2008

Zezi Ifore, of whom it has been said ‘Everyone has a right to be ugly, but some people just abuse the privilege’ is, I think, the new Jeremy Spake.
Some people may remember Jeremy, who had a decent enough job as an Airport employee, speaking Russian to Soviet visitors on ‘Airline’. Following his popularity as the subject of a documentary series he tried his hand as a TV presenter, following which his popularity plummeted like a Lockerby suitcase.
He was then seen desperately advertising fridges in the slots between June Whitfield demonstrating stairlifts and fat people trying to get one to sign up with Ocean Finance. Jeremy was last heard of presenting ‘The Good Old Days’ in Maidstone.
Now that The Gormless Shoe Tree has been banished to the equivalent of the BBLB attic, one can only hope that we’ll next see her whizzing about on a forklift, shouting out the price of a Zanussi.
I do feel sorry for Maidstone, but as the last step on the road to obscurity, the good people of Maidstone must take heart from the fact that they are playing an important role. Please go and see Zezi in whatever end-of-the-pier slot they have planned. We must ensure she’s sent off to anonymity with a warm hand on her exit.
Once our Tesco delivery had arrived today we went off to see ‘The Dark Knight’ which was excellent, if a little extended. Heath Ledger was superb as a Joker who seemed truly disturbed and schizophrenic. I know this because I see a lot of Jokers outside the Pound Shop on Brixton Road.

Wednesday 30 July 2008

It would appear, although it still needs to be confirmed, that my tireless campaign against the ghastly Zezi Ifore (the Gormless Shoe Tree) may have borne fruit.
Online reports suggest that Zezi has been relieved of live presentation of Big Brother’s Little Brother during the week, and has been relegated to ‘prerecorded segments’ from the homes of Big Brother housemates. What exactly the friends and family of the house inmates have done to deserve such punishment is unclear. Maybe it’s an additional torture inflicted in order that those on the outside share some of the suffering that housemates are experiencing in this year’s ‘Endurance’-style show.
However, it seems like cause for celebration, and I intend doing a little dance of joy outside Brixton Academy once I’ve finished my cappuccino.
No response as yet, though to my Freedom of Information request.
Although not quite as disturbing as the sight of Zezi crammed into a Fisher-Price frock, I’m becoming a tad uncomfortable watching Liz McDonald on Corrie snogging Harry Mason from the bookies. There’s something very unsavoury about him, and not just because he was a sleazy warder in Bad Girls who was murdered and came back as a ghost.
My favourite character at the moment is Blanche Hunt, who must be bribing the writers as she seems to be getting all the best lines.
Blanche is currently convinced that Ken is gay and having an affair with David Platt’s gay grandad, Ted.
‘As you know, Diedre,’ she said, ‘I’ve got nothing against the gays. I’d walk on hot coals for Paul O’Grady.’
She’s played Blanche on and off for thirty years. She deserves some kind of an award.

Sunday 27 July 2008

I’m trying to paint a portrait of my friend Duilia, which is proving problematic. She’s looking very blue right now.
With a heavy heart we muted the TV sound and turned (briefly) to Big Brother’s Little Brother to see if the Gormless Shoe Tree that is Zezi Ifore has been sacked yet. Sadly no. She popped up with her face and lip gloss pressed right into the camera, presumably just in case we hadn’t noticed she was there.
Channel Four have not yet responded to my Freedom of Information request. I imagine they’ll delay it for the full twenty days, hoping that by then Zezi will have rooted in the viewers’ psyche like a permed verucha.
Oh the heat! The blasted heat! My paints were drying before I could get the brush to the canvas. I’ve been catching up sporadically with ‘Days of Our Lives’ which is turning a little mystical since both Hope and Bo Brady are having strange white flashes when they look at Baby Isaac. Baby Isaac (bear with me) is Hope’s baby, but not Bo’s. It was switched at birth in the hospital by evil Stefano Dimera, and was taken home by Lexy and Abe Carver (Lexy is Stefano’s evil daughter. Abe is the oldest and stupidest policeman in the world). No one knows who the father is, since Hope was once brainwashed by a computer chip into believing she was Princess Gina (of a small European country the size of a large Asda) and while tarting about in her tiara, stealing jewels across Europe, she had more shags than a cormorant sanctuary.
John Black’s eyebrows are as mobile and independent as ever and I suspect that they are planning to take over John’s new business venture ‘Basic Black’.

Thursday 24 July 2008

I’m getting a lot of readers from Reading, for reasons which are not entirely clear. I’m just hoping it’s not both of Zezi Ifore’s fans who are taking note of my (to be fair entirely justified) negative criticism and are planning my downfall.
BB9 is proving to be somewhat interesting since so far all the people I wanted to go have actually gone: The ghastly and possibly mentally ill Alex; the selfish, nasty and horrible Sylvia; the travesty that was Dennis (let’s face it, he was just Shabaz with flexible legs) and hopefully this week, the spoilt and terminally sociopathic Rebecca.
Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Wednesday 23 July 2008

I’m thinking of getting a digital camera. I still have my old ‘proper film’ SLR Olympus somewhere, and have just read that I will still be able to use my old SLR lenses on a new digital Olympus with the use of a handy adaptor. Hoorah!
Channel 4 have acknowledged my Freedom of Information request and promise to get back to me within twenty days.
In some cases, they have informed me, a fee may be payable. They can go and boil their heads. I would have thought that Freedom of Information meant Information that was Free.
I enjoin you all to submit your own FOI requests which can be done very easily via the Channel 4 website. No doubt there are questions about Zezi Ifore’s recruitment which you would like to ask yourself.
The more the merrier! Hoorah!

Tuesday 22 July 2008

I cannot believe that the ghastly Zezi Ifore (known fondly to us all as The Gormless Shoe Tree) has still not been sacked, despite not turning up for the show on the Sunday before last after a drunken night out at a top night club.
Apparently she was called in for a chat with the producers, but is unaccountably still on the show, despite not being able to string a sentence together even with the help of a big needle and a long piece of string.
Tellingly, all the other BB presenters present a written blog on the C4 website. Zezi has only a minimal video blog which no doubt conceals her failings in the spelling and grammar department.
I have now submitted a Freedom of Information request to Channel 4 to find out why she was appointed in the first place. the questions I have asked are as below:-

I would like to know:-

1. Does Zezi Ifore have any relatives working for Endemol or Channel 4

2. How many other applicants were considered for the post as co-host of Big Brother's Little Brother?

3. Whether the other applicants had broadcasting/presenting experience.

4. The name of the person who decided to give Zezi Ifore the job.

5. What are the key skills listed in the Job Description for co-host of BBLB.