The very last ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ seems to be far more of a misnomer this year than in all of its previous incarnations, boasting only two people whom one could properly label as celebrities. There were two people who I thought might have been put in as fake celebrities, namely Cisqo and Lady Sovereign. Neither the Ugly One or myself had ever heard of them. It turns out that Cisqo had a hit in 2000 with a song about thongs and Lady Sovereign is a chav rapper. OK.
Like Jo McElderry, Cisqo is absolutely heterosexual, so it looks like I will have to get my gaydar repaired.
Jonas (aka Basshunter) I only know from random dance tracks which I have avoided on the internet. He is a Scandinavian Tourettes sufferer, who has taken a shine to Katia. Katia is the diminutive and very young Russian blonde who until recently was struggling to explain what first attracted her to the 62 year old millionaire Ronnie Wood.
Dane Bowers lives in Croydon and was having a successful career until he made a single with Victoria Beckham (some years ago) and shacked up with Katie Price. He is rumoured to have recently had a fight with fellow housemate Alex Reid, a cross-dressing cagefighter, currently shacked up with Katie Price.
There’s a page three girl whose name I can’t be bothered to try to remember.
Heidi Fleiss went to prison for prostitution related crimes and has since been a professional reality show contestant, having come straight here from ‘Celebrity Rehab’ and ‘Sober House’. Classy.
Stephen Baldwin once snorted his way through a Mount Ararat of cocaine. Now he is born again and God has fixed his face into an expression of benign and sinister amusement. He was once in The Usual Suspects. In his contract he is allowed to have his big leatherbound bible out for an hour a day. I am sure that very soon many people will want to beat him to death with it.
Stephanie Beacham: From Dynasty to Coronation Street. Proper classy she is.
Vinnie Jones. Actor, ex-footballer, hard man.