Sunday, 1 June 2008

Wednesday 28 May 2008

thunder in the night.
anthony rang from kansas
like sun breaking through

I’ve had a couple of days off work, and what with the Bank Holiday it’s amounted to five days of lounging about and not doing very much, apart from bake some very passable beef patties.
It’s Apprentice day, though, and I dutifully placed my wine and cigarettes at a reachable point before curling up on the sofa to indulge in the sadistic games of Sir Sid James (ooh, that rhymes!).
This week, Sir Sid sent out the teams to sell driving time in top of the range posh cars.
Lee ‘That’s what I’m talking about!’ was in charge of Alex and Lucinda, leaving Michael Koshercles in charge of Gobby Claire and Helene. Without meaning to be cruel I’ve been trying to pin down whom Helene reminds me of, and I’ve finally realised that it’s from the film Total Recall, at the point where Arnie’s character has been morphed into that of a large woman. Just at the point when the large woman’s head starts to expand and turn back into Arnie, well, that’s who she reminds me of. It’s like someone’s stuck a bicycle pump in her ear and given it some serious wind.
Michael, quite surprisingly I felt, doesn’t like cars, and found the task hard-going. However, I fail to see why he drove a Ferrari all the way to Portobello Road vegetable market in order to try and sell driving time.
Many people suspect that Mr Koshercles has some incriminating photos of Sir Sid locked away somewhere since up until now he has led a charmed life and has escaped the deadly finger of doom for too long.
Finally - mainly I think because Margaret has been poking Sir Sid under the boardroom table with a knitting needle in a bid to make him see sense – Michael’s time has run out. His big puppy dog watery eyes could save him no longer and the half-jewish, catholic, possibly scientologist whiny ‘odious little twat’ was given the boot.
Hoorah! I had a celebratory vodka and toasted Margaret and her timely knitting needles.

In The Metro today:-


A Coronation Street fan who developed a phobia of the theme tune is celebrating watching his first episode in a decade. Richard Collier could not face the TV soap after a fall during an advert break paralysed him for six months.
The former chef, 53, said: ‘I had a few pangs of panic but I’ve missed Corrie so much. I won’t be missing any more, though. Vera’s gone. Curly’s gone – I didn’t really know what was going on.’
Mr Collier, of Chorlton in Manchester, was rushing to the loo when he fell and snapped his neck in 1998."

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