Wednesday 4 June 2008

sir alan sugar
sits above everyone else
like his arse has heels.

Tonight, in The Apprentice, Sir Sid James lined up four of his henchmen, and one new henchwoman, to provide a gruelling all-day interview for the five remaining victims. No one emerged unscathed. Alex – a man who presumably combs his hair in the dark – is the one to whom I have taken a strongly healthy dislike. There is something of the rodent about him
‘But I’m only twenty-four!’ he whined persistently throughout the day when the meagre contents of his CV were exposed.
‘I was running Birmingham City Football Club at twenty-three!’ said the young lady who has joined Sir Sid’s team of fearsome interviewers.
The next interviewer concentrated on the fact that Alex (born and bred in Bolton, where he was presumably taught the ancient Lancashire art of not smiling or showing any enthusiasm for anything whatsoever, even lard) had put down on his CV that he spoke fluent English, before launching into his lack of energy and general resemblance to a corpse.
One could almost see the words ‘But I’m only twenty-four!’ hovering on his lips.
‘You’ve not done much, have you?’ said the heavy, unshaven, cockney one, who earlier on had taken great delight in making Lee (‘That’s what I’m talking about!’) dance about doing an impression of a ‘reverse pterodactyl’ .
‘But I’m only twenty-four!’ whined Alex, his little ratty lip beginning to tremble.
‘By the time I was nine, I’d conquered three small European Countries and taken over seven branches of Waitrose single ‘anded!’ said the unshaven one. ‘What ‘ave you done?’
‘But I’m only twenty-four!’ said Alex.
‘Get Art!’ said the unshaven man, and pointed at the door.
Gobby Claire was very taken with the unshaven man.
‘There’s something very Neanderthal about him, isn’t there? I wanted to leap over the desk and suck his lips off!’ she announced, completely without shame or anatomical realism.
At the end of the day it was up to Sir Sid to decide their fates. The plan was for three of the candidates to be pointed at and given the two deadly words, but Sir Sid was perplexed.
Ratty Alex, as usual, managed to get in a criticism about Lucinda, totally unfounded and out of context. I hope that this nasty side of his decidedly dull character is recognised, since I am sure Sir Sid does not want an apprentice to be constantly whining ‘It was all her fault, and I’m only twenty-four!’
Finally Sir Sid made a decision and his big fat finger fell in the direction of Lucinda.
‘You’re too zany for me!’ he said, ‘You’re fired!’
However, it seems he was fired out and not in the mood for any more, since he put all four remaining candidates through to the final, which is next week.
Noooo! It’s all come too soon. I want more candidates who do stupid things, and have strange hair.
I want more Margaret! I want Raef back!